Lay Me Down

“These tears, they tell their own story”


Still up on this Sunday evening, missing people I shouldn’t really have to miss but I am, however, also thinking about how they’re still glowing inside my heart and about all the funny, stupid and crazy memories I have of when they were here! – thinking and be grateful that, yes, they were here and they lived! 

Last year I lost more than one person that I knew, three of them I had met in hospital and two of them extremely close to my heart. My best friend Bella (September 2013) and my nan (December 2013).

In fact, they both unfortunately died of Cancer. It is extremely hard to comprehend why this nasty disease attacked them both but it became clear to me that it could happen to anyone, at anytime really & of any age. Bella was 5 years old and my nan, in her early 70’s. 

I want to talk a little bit about Bella, she was the sweetest thing! Even though her illness was probably all she knew, she was a funny, chirpy character and the first time we met was at the rainforest cafe in London, so beautiful & we had an absolute blast, as girls do aye! … Half way through the night we took a beautiful photo, that I will cherish forever. I remember simply putting my arm around her and she just pulled me so close, with both arms wrapped around me, I couldn’t help but smile and know that this was a special moment. 

We listened to Jessie J all the way to the hotel and she told me so many silly stories about music, scooby doo, monster high and Egyptians – she loved to learn and draw about them. Too cute and very original I think! A total gem.

When Bella was abroad for treatment I would often send her silly videos of me singing and being absolutely stupid, because I knew that’s what she liked. Fun! – It was my way of staying in touch with her, whilst being so far away.


I remember, I went to visit her in her last week of being here. Never have I felt so sick to see such a precious little thing, slowly fade. She wasn’t keen on anyone touching her and in that moment all I wanted to do was wrap both arms around her, like she did for that photo, and never let go. 

On my way home, although I felt a great sadness, I couldn’t help but remember the fun, her 5th birthday, our day out, the drawings she had sent me and more.


When I learned that she had peacefully been taken, I cried, for at least three days solid but there was this part of me that wanted to feel ‘happy’ because I knew her, she was my friend and I was hers & most importantly she lived! She was here! Maybe not for very long but she still “lived each day until she died” – she had her first disco, an amazing 5th birthday, she played, she had fun, she was loved and again, she was here! 



Bella & I


One of the most healing things, for me, in those moments is music – either listening to music that reminds me of that particular person or to an artist that I knew they loved. I also listen to songs that I find relaxing and ‘healing’ in those moments of sadness and hope! … Links to my three favorite at the end of this post. 


I often find that, in those saddest of times we can often forget; how much we laughed and how much joy that particular person brought to our lives. We almost forget that they were here and only know that they are gone. Of course, I’m sad when these things happen but deep down, I know they’re still here and I can’t help but smile because they were HERE! No matter for how long or for what reason, they had some kind of life. – & clearly life is a very rare, but precious gift! 

I think there can be a positive or a good in it (death), we have to take the time to see and understand it, as best as we can! Knowing that, no matter what, those people will always be loved, regardless of where they are.

Thinking of you all tonight, butterflies, angels, princesses – whatever you’ve chosen to be and wherever you are! 

 “Live everyday, like it’s your last” – Go smash it!! 



Bella’s drawing and gifts for my 18th Birthday!


Bella’s Mum and I



Bella & I

My site –

Hannah x


One thought on “Lay Me Down

  1. My daughter is also a patient at st.jude! She actually has been a patient for almost 17 years! She was in remission for 13 years and relapsed a year ago in January. As you can imagine this was so devastating and heartbreaking for my beauty and I ! But we have always believed that there is always something good and positive that can come out of something negative! For us one of the many positive things to come out of this was we also were blessed to meet Bella and her mother! We spent lots of time with them and we absolutely fell in love with this precious angel! Bella and her mother even made a trip to Louisiana to our home town and spent a week with us at our house. We feel very blessed to have spent time with them and my beauty and I will cherish and hold those special memories close to our heart forever! My beauty and I feel very blessed for this!!!

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